Old Flames and Past Reflections
Love…First Love…and its sweet mess! I’m fully aware that writing about “LOVE” is a bit cliche since everybody has their own stories to tell. I feel quite lame to be writing about this, and that definitely amplifies the already pathetic feeling that seems to be lurking here and there. Be it movies or novels, I am not a big fan of the whole lovey-dovey, typical romantic stories where everything just magically works out in the end…yaaay! But there’s this urge inside of me that’s forcing me to write about my first encounter with love, and it’s the kind of urge you simply cannot ignore.
Falling in love is like drinking whiskey. Or at least that’s what I like to think. You don’t get drunk straight off but start to get tipsy, light headed and clumsy. Then you drink more...and some more… And when the world around you starts to spin madly, that’s when you realize you’re in that severe state of “drunkenness”. I am of the opinion that “first love and heartache” is a thing of high school…or “adolescents” to be precise. But this happened with me last year. Yes, I met my first love at the age of 19! And no, I’m not kidding. I sincerely wish I am though.
The butterflies on your stomach, the feeling of nervousness and excitement for that unexplored realm of romance, and the smile that sends shivers down your spine. It’s truly amazing how a human heart is capable of feeling so many emotions at once. There are hugs you can’t get enough of and kisses that give you a hummingbird heartbeat. And then the “L” word! When you listen to a very cool indie record like Bon Iver or Florence + The Machine for the first time and you feel like your soul is leaving your body, and you’re taken somewhere else where everything is in slow motion… This is how I define the kind of feeling hearing the “I love you” for the first time gives a person. You gaze into that person’s eyes and see that they actually mean it, and you get lost in their eyes, lost in that moment and how you wish for nothing else but for time to stop!
Then comes the agony of separation and heartache. No more I love you’s. No more I miss you’s. Just shadows of your tragic fairy tale and memories that haunts you in your sleep. Silence becomes your worst enemy-a sound that keeps you up at night. There are nights when you cry yourself to sleep and other nights when numbness grabs a hold of you and you completely zone out. Everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. I know that. It’s only natural; it’s what makes us human. But that doesn't mean it’s easy. I guess sometimes some of us feel things too much, much more than we’re supposed to, till it gets to the point where it hurts us.
My summer romance was bittersweet and short lived. I guess one can never prepare for such an ending, because it comes like a thief at night-sudden and discreet. In the blink of an eye, we became stories of the past, like silhouettes under the pale moon light. I didn't understand why “goodbyes” happen, I still don’t and I may never understand why. But the one thing I've learnt from life is that some things are not meant to be understood, but to be accepted. And I believe everything that happened was exactly the way it was meant to happen, the good and the bad, and I have no regrets. I wouldn't change a thing even if I was given the chance. I realize now that bad things happen so that you can learn to appreciate the good, so that you can grow and learn from the experiences life presents you with. And I’m proud to say I’ll be forever grateful for having met someone in my life who makes saying goodbye so hard.